It's late at night and tensions are high after an argument with your partner. The common advice to never go to bed angry may seem logical, but many relationship experts argue that this approach is counterproductive and could harm your relationship.
According to Samantha Whiten, a clinical psychologist based in Maryland, the idea of resolving conflicts overnight is unrealistic. Instead of fostering resolution, it often leads to fights when both partners are tired and emotionally dysregulated, increasing the likelihood of regrettable comments and actions. The acronym HALT, which stands for hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, serves as a reminder for couples to avoid serious discussions during these states.
On the other hand, Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist in New York City, suggests that instead of forcing a conversation at night, couples should acknowledge the need for discussion but pause until both parties feel more capable of addressing the issue. Setting a specific time to reconvene—like during lunch or coffee the following day—can create a healthier environment for conversation.
The key is commitment—both partners should follow through on the planned discussion. This action fosters trust and reassures each other that their feelings and concerns will be addressed seriously. Understanding and empathy play vital roles in this process, as one partner might require space, which shouldn't be interpreted as rejection.
Whiten emphasizes the importance of self-regulation; individuals must learn to soothe themselves and accept uncertainty. However, avoidance—ignoring conflict altogether—is equally detrimental. While taking time to process emotions is permissible, it becomes problematic if partners fail to address the conflict later.
The goal is to cultivate a secure environment where both individuals can acknowledge disagreements and prioritize their relationship over one isolated argument. Whiten notes that when couples develop these skills, it can transform their relationship dynamics.
To help preemptively manage conflicts, Romanoff recommends regular check-ins, which need not delve into serious problems but can involve asking about each other's daily experiences. These consistent small gestures of communication build a structure of emotional safety, paving the way for addressing more significant issues as they arise.
When conflicts do occur, using “I” statements, clearly articulating needs, and crafting actionable plans for resolution can facilitate more constructive dialogues. Proper timing is crucial for effective communication, with discussions elevated through thoughtful preparation.
Overall, while it may seem tempting to resolve disputes immediately, experts suggest that waiting until both partners are more equipped to engage meaningfully can lead to healthier, more productive conversations that ultimately strengthen relationships.
